I am exactly where I need to be.
I’m not talking to my sister.
I have absolutely no idea where I will be going to school in the fall.
I’m sunburned.
But I’m that kind of happy that is right on the borderline of content and bursting with joy. Looking back, the past three years have been the biggest struggle for me. I kept beating myself up for not doing better in high school, and then beating myself up again for not doing even better in community college. It wasn’t really a constantly depressing scenario for me, but there was always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that I was falling behind, not living up to my full potential, etc. And part of that was true. I felt like there was something wrong with me. My sister constantly reminded me that if I didn’t keep up with my overambitious friends, I would feel the pang of regret and isolation when I saw them all graduating college ahead of me. (This might be true at some point. More on this later.)
I don’t know when the turning point was for me. There was a point when I slowly started to want to do things for myself. A point when I got that sense of urgency that wasn’t there before. Part of it has had to do with becoming someone’s girlfriend, which inevitably just makes me examine myself more. Part of it has had to do with working as a server and being around people who have been in the restaurant industry for far too long and are jaded and bitter. Some of it has had to do with learning what actions (and foods) are healthy for me. Part of it has just been giving myself time to experience life and really imagining what it would be like if I never did find what it is I’m passionate about. As simple as it sounds, I had to make my own mistakes and put my focus on the wrong things before I finally focused in on the right things.
My sister doesn’t make me feel good about myself. I’m not resentful. It’s just the way it is right now. She feels that I have too much potential to be working at a restaurant, in the same city, in my third year of community college. The ironic thing is that all of those things she feels are below me have been the very same things that have made me so much more appreciative and thankful for where I am going and the plans I finally have.
I needed to see my friends at prestigious colleges, gaining the Freshman 15, bonding with their roommates, because I didn’t even know I wanted all that until I didn’t have it. It might sound a little sad that I missed out on those fun things, but I had a completely different experience that I couldn’t have planned for, which was all my own.
So the thing is, I’m pretty sure there will be that sense of panic when I see my close friends graduating from college and I’m just getting ready to begin my senior year. It’ll be okay, though. I’m not completely lost anymore. I have more confidence than I did before. I have reached that turning point that I never thought I’d reach. I think it’s a little naive to say that I have no regrets, because I do. I’ve just learned to love my mistakes and transform that regret into something bittersweet.
TMI Friday?
I am so so so so glad that finals are over. I will have time to sleep and workout and make a goddamn meal (rather than just shove cereal into my face and chug water). This whole week, I have been super bloated, burping, my stomach has been turning, and I have had a perpetual pounding headache. I need to get outside and move. Hurrah!
UC application time is around the corner!
I have realized that I cannot fill out my applications after 11 p.m. because I get tired and my mind shifts into the “SHIT. I’M NOT GETTING IN ANYWHERE. LOOK AT THIS GODDAMN TRANSCRIPT!!!!!! SHIT. FUCK.” mode. I am anxious and obsessed with one school. I need to stay focused.
Wait for me, 30 Day Challenge!
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
I have a lot of respect for my parents. They screwed a lot of things up along the way (with 7 kids, there’s bound to be at least one murderer, right? …right?) but I truly do believe they did a great job. They gave me a lot of love, they have good perspective on most things, and they’re hilarious. I tell both of them when they’re being a pain in the ass, but I respect them a lot.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
I don’t think higher education is for everyone. Although I have mixed feelings about college, I think it’s worth the time, effort, and experience. The concept of the No Child Left Behind Act is fucking ridiculous though. Standardized tests are a joke and oftentimes, it’s the teachers who benefit from them more than the students. But, by all means… Go college!
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
This is sure to offend some people (namely Dino), but Sex and the City. I love it. It’s cliche, obnoxious, and downright stupid most of the time, but I can watch almost every episode over and over. Having New York as the backdrop is lovely. I’m getting really into Friday Night Lights right now though. Netflix!
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years.
I don’t take things very seriously. People that I used to think were “bitchin’” …I’ve realized they’re actually quite stupid. I have different standards for people I date. I’ve gained 6 lbs. New woman! ;) I hate this question.
